All Too Well - (The Extended Story) @canadatayswift

I’ve recently discovered that walking through the lonely forests alone, give me some time to reflect upon life and the decisions I make. Especially after a time of being neglected, I need my peace of mind and some time to figure out how I’m supposed to get my life back on track again. And I know that when you need time to heal, it flies like you get paralyzed by it. I would’ve liked to be my old self again, but I just didn’t have the faith or the hope to regain my sanity.

∞

                Katherine had told me stories about him, and talked about how he was really admiring me at her last housewarming party. She told me countless times about him being such a sweet and charming man, seeking for a long term relationship. And I’m sure she told him the same because he sure seemed interested the last time we had a phone conversation. I mean what else is better for two mosaics of broken hearts to bond?

 

                One weekend, we made our first official plan together. I was so busy lately trying to handle business affairs and travelling cities all around the world because of this job, I did need a little break. On Saturday, Ben came right to the airport and picked me up by surprise as he took me out to a little apple farm in a little county called Hopewell Junction. It was a beautiful autumn day, so we took a peaceful drive, getting lost in the falling orange coloured leaves of Upstate, New York and singing along to his favourite indie band, Mumford and Sons. He was so polite to me, holding the door as I walked into the little farm with a red sign that read Fishkill Farms. On the way there, he told me about his family, work, and the way things were for him. I always assumed it was just the way things were for New York residents, fast paced, busy lives and always on the go.

               

                As we were walking through the rows and rows of apple trees, I saw that some kids were trying to take photos of us. I’ve always been somewhat insecure with my personal space, always wanting people to appreciate my privacy. But these kids were pretending to be like paparazzi or spies, I found it really rude. Ben just laughed at me and told me to ignore them because they were just kids. So we continued to do our own thing, and I tried my best not to notice. We kept walking through the trees, laughing, and talking and trying to get to know each other’s worlds better just like young couples do. We took a drive past the orchard, and found some apples that we wanted to take back to his sister Ruth, since she loves baking. We thought they’d be perfect for some homemade apple pie.

 

                We went back to his sister’s place for some brunch. Ruth’s townhouse was one of those cozy Brooklyn dwellings you could easily mistaken for being your own. Ruth lives in Park Slope, a calm neighbourhood, where small stairs lead you to a narrow front door. I think it’s cute that Ben has an amazing relationship with his sister. Meanwhile, Ruth made us a delicious brunch of scrambled eggs, bacon, everything else you could possibly imagine. She’s just a fantastic soul in general, raising a family of four. I admired her personality a lot; as a matter of fact she was so delighted when we brought her the apples. She promised that if I came back again, she’d make her apple pie recipe, and maybe I’d get a chance to meet Ben’s parents.

 

                I didn’t want to take another relationship too fast because I always have my heart trampled when I do that. I liked him a lot. I could see myself with him in ten years, having a nice little family just like Ruth’s and be a happy mother. We had to see where things would lead us, I mean after all love is unpredictable. I didn’t know if he felt the same way about me, as I did about him. A million thoughts we’re running through my mind at this point. We had to have another plan, next weekend.

∞

                This time I didn’t know if I should call him first or maybe if waiting would be better to see if he was still interested. I waited. Every second I was checking my phone. My heart pounded at every instant. Maybe I should call Katherine and ask her, I thought to myself. No. I will wait. I told myself. It was Halloween next weekend anyways, maybe he’ll want to hang out then. My heart longed for him to call every second. I couldn’t keep my focus on anything

 

                It was Friday night, when he called, asking me if I wanted to come to California, where he was working that weekend. And I just couldn’t reject his reply. I told him I’d be there and found out that we were hanging out at the Post Ranch in Big Sur where he said he made reservations for the both of us. It was a date. I was waiting to hear the sound of his voice more than his phone call. In hopes to hear that maybe actually someone wanted to hang out with me because everyone else seemed uninterested or busy. His voice was so assuring. I was sinking into his sweet disposition like quicksand, I just hoped he wouldn’t leave me stranded like every other relationship before. This time I wasn’t being afraid of falling, regardless of whether it would last or not.

∞

                There he was, waiting for me in the doorway with that same enchanting look on his face. I paced towards him, quickly passing by people. I shyly gave him a smile, as he started walking towards me with his hands in his pockets. He approached me and put his hands around my waist and pulled me in. I could feel a chill run through my body, electrifying my soul. I put my arms around his neck, and braced him. Then he touched my face and planted a kiss softly on my cheek. My face flushed red and I began feeling all warm. The delicate beginning rush was hitting me.

 

                Then he came closer to my ear and said “Hey babe, I missed you.” in a voice that brought warmth to me. I felt him breathing close.

                “Yeah,” I whispered back, “I missed you more.”

                He looked at me with a wide eyed gaze and smiled. He took my bags and locked his fingers with mine and we walked hand in hand down to the exit. Caught up in conversation Ben almost ran through a red light at an intersection we passed, it was sort of funny that he kept looking into my eyes and wasn’t focusing on where we were actually going.

 

                I’d never been to Post Ranch Inn before but I had heard it was a popular place for celebrities. I wondered if maybe we’d run into anyone famous. It was stretched right along the coast, and overlooked the Pacific Ocean. We walked in to check into our reservations.

 

                I was awed by the beauty of the place. The building was made of a wooden structure and the entire area was wrapped in glass windows opening the view to the ocean. It was the most beautiful place I’d ever been to. There was a pool in the back, and the walkways to make it even more desirable. The whole place was so cozy and romantic. It was perfect in every way, and really what I needed after such hectic work schedules that drained me out.

 

                “Beautiful isn’t it?” Ben said from behind me.

                “It’s amazing, thank you so much for bringing me here”

                “I know, work just exhausts me, so I like to come here on my break”

 

                So we took a walk around the place, and took and dip into the pool. We both talked about our past relationships, how for me they’d failed multiple times, and how I’m such a hopeless romantic. And so did he, he talked about his family, and how he wants to have one of his own someday. We talked the whole lives out of each other, and discovered we both had the same taste in music. I laughed about all the stories he told about his years in high school, and he laughed at mine too.

 

                “You’re so tall Ben.” I said, nonchalantly. I walked over towards him again

                “I think it comes from my father’s side of the family” He said as he came to stand in front of me.

 

                I walked in front of him, and went on my tiptoes, trying to see how much taller he measured than me. I almost tripped over, but Ben held my hand and caught me before I almost embarrassed myself in front of all the visitors at the inn. He caught my blue beanie before it fell to the ground too. He placed it back onto my head carefully. Then he pulled me in, in hopes of dancing to the music that was playing in the background.

 

                “Would you care to dance, ma’am?” he said trying to attempt an English accent.

                I laughed, “I’m not the best dancer, but It would be my pleasure to” I told him.

                “I’ll teach you, just follow my lead, okay?” he said.

 

            I nodded in approval. He put his arms around my waist, and pulled me in a little closer. I placed one of my arms by his shoulder and the other hand grasped alongside his. He delicately swayed me alongside to the tunes of the James Taylor. And I followed his lead. Tracing patterns he made, I was following the lines with my toes. Our twin figures danced in intervenes of dusk and twilight. I swear I could’ve been there all day long, without saying a single word, bewildered in his eyes that showed fidelity.

 

                He paused, and took my hand and rested it on his heart “I like the feeling of being with you, stay with me. This heart beats for you.”

            “Baby, I want to see the rest of the world with you. I want you forever.”

                He was coming in closer again, leaning himself closer to me. All I could feel we’re butterflies in my stomach. I held my breath in and I felt his lips press against mine. I felt like I lost the feel of gravity, as if I was floating. Mesmerized by this feeling, I wanted to be with him forever.

 

                The afternoon hit California, and the views from Post Ranch Inn were like a painted picture. The sky was as clear as a diamond, and the sunshine hugged the skyline.

                “Want to go grab some ice cream?” he asked, “There’s a great place down the street from here.”

                “That sounds delightful!”

 

                So we took a little walk, hand in hand, through these little shops and boutiques that reminded me of Santa Barbara, until we came to a place called McConnell’s ice cream. A young lady in her teens was behind the counter in a cute little polka dot apron. The place was like every other ice cream parlour, very cute. They had ice cream in every flavour you could possibly imagine.

                “What can I get for you lovebirds?” she asked. I giggled and Ben just kept smiling at me, and then looked down at the menu.

                “For me, I’d like Swiss chocolate chip, and for my love I’d like…” he paused and looked at me. I was caught up in the fact that he called me his ‘love’.

                He looked at me again, “Alison, what would you like?”

                I snapped back into reality, and replied “Oh, umm, babe, I’ll have frozen yogurt with sprinkles, please”. He laughed at the fact I was lost in a daydream. I felt like an idiot.

 

                The rest of the day we spent walking through these little shops, looking at pretty antiques, and trying on some new sunglasses. Ben’s humour kept me entertained the whole time, I loved his personality. He wasn’t rude or aggressive like some guys, and was really appreciative and respectful. Later that night, we joined a party at the inn that these people invited us to just as acquaintances. We didn’t know anyone but the couple who we befriended during our time there. We both rocked the night away dancing, and losing ourselves in love that filled the atmosphere.

∞

                I’d always wanted a relationship like my grandparents had. Both of them fell in love at a very young age, and their marriage was one that lasted forever. Even when they we’re old their love was unconditional. They were inseparable. In fact, sadly enough both of them came down with cancer. One week after my grandfather passed away, so did my grandmother. Everyone thinks she couldn’t bear being without his blessing soul, and that is why she went and followed him to heaven.

 

                The next morning it was time for us to leave, I really didn’t want to part our separate ways. I barely got a chance to see Ben otherwise. I wanted to stay here with him and forget the world for a little while. I hated saying goodbye like this so much that I could even hear my voice asking him to stay. I wanted to secretly follow him, but that would’ve been so reckless.

                “I really don’t want to go back home, back to work and complicated schedules” I told him

                “Me either, I’m supposed to be in London for the next two weeks. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I won’t be able to see you for a while now” he said back.

                “I’m going to miss you a lot. Stay in touch, call me, email, Skype, anything”.

                “I’ll try my best to keep in touch but my company is doing a big project and I’m supposed to be leading. But I want you to know that I’m introducing you to my parents real soon.”

                “Yeah, you keep telling me that, but when?”

                “How about this: Thanksgiving dinner at Ruth’s place? Everyone’s going to be in town that weekend anyways, so what do you say?”

                “Yeah, I think that’s the perfect opportunity to get to know your parents.”

 

                The airport announcements were announcing his flight would be leaving in another thirty minutes. I got upset again, I hated this. He picked up his bags, and I knew it was time to say my farewell to him. I thought I might as well get the best of him since I wouldn’t see him. The nostalgia started building up inside me. We had our final kisses, and I told him goodbye. He promised me that he would keep calling. There was a moment where I nearly wanted to turn around and go back, but I didn’t want to seem like I was obsessive. I just had to bear with it, I kept telling myself to not get so attached.

 

                I went back home, back to the same old thing every morning. The same old office, where everyone gives weird stares to each other, where the photocopier is always out of order, where there is no joy or happiness in anything. Simply dullness and negativity fill the building.

 

                Later that day, I told my mother about Ben and how I was seeing him, she was alarmed that I was dating someone who was nine years older than I. She accused me of losing my mind, and made remarks that were hurtful. Neither was she thrilled about the fact I was hanging out with his family on Thanksgiving, but finally I explained to her that I never got to see Ben and that I was always with them, just a twenty minute drive away. I told her age was just a number, I made references to my own grandparents. My mother is always telling me to put work and business before love and relationships because I’m still young. But I always have to tell her that twenty-one is the age you need to start thinking about your life and your future. I appreciate that she cares so much about me, but sometimes I think she’s slightly just a bit overprotective of me, even though all mothers are.

∞

                I would look down from the glass office building, looking at the taxi cabs and busy streets in hopes of finding that face. Following different paths home, wishing one of them would lead me back to him. And I bet he did the same. I bet he looked out at the city and came back from work meetings, sat by a chair and thought of me. I just wish he had taken me with me. It felt unfair that he wasn’t around.

 

                One week passed by, no calls, no emails, nothing from Ben. I hadn’t heard back from him since, I assumed that he was busy with work. I would just sit in the window seat after work and think about all the good memories we had together. Wishing for him to come back, and thinking to myself that if this was a movie, he would’ve been here by now. It wasn’t until Monday morning, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just had to call him, at least to hear his voice, and to know that he was okay. I wanted to see if he missed me. I tried calling over twenty times, and every time it led me to his voicemail system. I left a voice mail on the twenty second try.

 

Hey babe, I’ve been missing you like crazy, I can’t stop thinking about you all the time. I hope you’re alright, I’m guessing you must be really busy with work. And I know you probably don’t like it when I call you while you’re at work, I’m sorry. I just had to, I’m feeling a little sappy, because I want to hang out with you right at this moment, which is impossible to do. Can you call me back? I just want to hear your voice. I wish you were here. I wish you took me with you. I love you baby, call soon. Love you, bye.

 

                Thirteen minutes later I got a phone call, it was from Ben. He must’ve gotten my voicemail.

                “Hey, babe, did you get my voicemail?”

                “Yeah” he said in a very calm voice

                “What happened, you don’t sound happy?”

                “No, it’s nothing really.”

                “No, tell me what’s wrong, did something happen at work?”

                “No, seriously, it’s nothing, hey listen I got to go, I’ll call you later, I love you, bye.” And he hung up.

 

                Before I could even tell him goodbye, he hung up. I was raging, I almost started crying right there. I missed him so badly that I couldn’t even breathe without him. His face was in my dreams, and everything came back in flashbacks and echoes. I just wish I could feel his arms, and be held close to his protective soul. Missing him was like a grey painting hung from the wall, so bland, dull and lifeless. Just five more days I told myself. Five more days until he was coming back home. I wondered if he was thinking about me the same way. It took everything in me to not call him again later that night. I almost called him again, but I didn’t. I waited. It was 4 AM that night when I received a text:

 

Hey, I think we need to call it off for a while. I need space and time to think about this. I’m sorry if I hurt you.

-Ben

                I didn’t know if this relationship was becoming treacherous, if I was losing myself in a dangerous path. I was confused about why he was asking for space when we hadn’t talked to each other in the longest time. The last thing I wanted was another toxic relationship, where the result would leave me to blame myself. I didn’t know if this would work. Distance and timing were really holding us both back. I thought about it hard for a week, did I really want this? Perhaps my mother’s accusations were valid. Was I taking it too fast? I knew it was me to blame partially. I was a stupid girl, I should’ve known better than to look before falling. I felt like I didn’t know him anymore, I never called him back. I was falling too hard when he was worlds away, I didn’t know what he was feeling. I bet he thought I either moved on or hated him, because when he reached out to me, I never replied. We made a huge mess but it was probably better off this way than going any further.

∞

                It was around nine o’clock in the late evening a week later, when somebody appeared to be knocking at my door and ringing the door bell. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be at my house at that time of day. I opened the door to find that it was him. There he was on his knees, begging for forgiveness, wearing his best apology.

                “I’m sorry, Alison, please forgive me, I missed you”

                There I was breaking in front of his eyes. I wanted to shut the door on him. I wanted him to leave.

                “I promise I will change, I won’t let you down this time, I promise”

                My heart was aching, teardrops fell like a rainstorm. I had no place to run and go hide.

                I opened the door, and let him in, thinking maybe we could figure it out. Or maybe I could tell him that I had enough, that I didn’t want to be with him at all anymore.

                “I-I don’t even know anymore.”

                “I think you’ve got it all wrong.” He said back and I kept sobbing. He wrapped his arms around me like I was his possession.

                “No, I think it’s been you all along” I was screaming infidelities to him at this point. And he was a cannon ball all prepared and ready to fire back at me. Our argument lasted a whole ten minutes. I told him it was his fault, he never talked to me about his feelings, he left me alone, he never called back, and he never listened. I just gave up at this point. I sat down on the bare floor, and he looked into my eyes. Everything seemed better. But it wasn’t.

                “Want some coffee?” he said as he pointed out to the street through the window.

                “Sure” I replied.

                “Want to go down to Fido?” He asked. I replied with a nod.

                I grabbed my coat and we walked down the street from my place to grab some coffee. He talked about work again, but then he started talking about how his family was more eager to meet me on Thanksgiving. He explained his situation to me, that he promised his mom that he was introducing me to her and his dad. He said that Ruth was still waiting on me to try her apple pie.

                “I need you to give me one chance, one more opportunity, that’s all I’m asking you”

                “This time I’m telling you, this is the last time. I can’t do this again, I don’t have the energy.” I sighed “that’s all I can do for you, it’s for you to prove to me that you actually do care about me”

                “This sounds like a legal contract, I still want you, I will show you. You have to come to dinner, please?”

                “Fine then I will”

                We walked back in sheer silence, and I didn’t bother to say a single word. This was his last chance, and there was no way I was getting in the way of it.

 

                It was Friday night, when I got a text message from him asking me if I was still coming over for Thanksgiving. I thought if I rejected his request, it’d be too harsh, I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and neither did I want his family to have a bad impression on me. I was just going to have to go along with it and pretend that nothing happened, that everything was fine, that I still felt the same way. So I texted him back saying that I would be ready for him to pick me up that morning.

∞

                There he was again, in my apartment complex courtyard waiting for me in the car. I saw him waving at me through the window. I threw on my scarf and beanie, and put on my coat. I didn’t know how long we were going to last. I opened the door and got into his car. We didn’t talk for most of the ride, not until we got near Park Slope.

                “Hey, baby, I’m so sorry again about last night, I just didn’t know what I was thinking, I’m sorry” he said.

                “Oh, no, it’s all good. I’ll just imagine nothing happened”

                I hated lying. How could I possibly forget a fire raging in front of my eyes?

                “I got us both maple lattes,” he said as we pulled into Park Slope

                “Awe, you’re so sweet” I said as I opened the door to get out the car.

                “Hey, say, you haven’t really been around Park Slope have you?”

                “Nope, not really”

                “Say, why, don’t we go for a little stroll, and I’ll show you around”

 

                We walked through the neighbourhood, and the air was crisp cold like always, and the trees were bare, showing signs of winter approaching. He went on about work, and his company, and all the things he did while he wasn’t with me. I just nodded and listened, I didn’t bother telling him about me. Then he took my scarf and wrapped it around himself wearing it like a medal of pride or something, and he put him arm around me. We stopped for a second, at he told me to look up at the sky, telling me that he was seeing a cloud pass that was shaped like a heart. I looked up and saw it pass by, but I realized he was just distracting me because I caught him looking over me. We continued talking about the things we did before, and he told me a little bit more about his family’s traditions at Thanksgiving.

 

                Then we walked to his sister’s place. I felt a wisp of air brush past my face as we walked through the door, that same home-like atmosphere filled the air. I helped Ruth set up dinner, and had some conversations with Ben’s mother. She told me so many stories about him being on the local T-Ball team when he was younger, he wore Harry Potter glasses, and that they lived in a small half-broken down house when because they had financial issues. We looked through old photographs together, Ben’s cheeks started turning red. Ben’s dad kept admiring me, telling me I was an intelligent lady for choosing to go to University after high school. We showed his parents our dancing skills as we danced together with the only source of light coming from the refrigerator to create the make-believe romantic atmosphere. There were moments when he would get me alone and tell me about his past, thinking about his future with me. I might’ve looked like I was okay, but on the inside I was honestly not fine at all. But I knew it was long gone, that the magic wasn’t here anymore. Still however, I kept myself under control, and treated the Thanksgiving dinner like it was a gift to me from a good friend.

 

                I could feel that his behaviour towards me was changed as well. I thought I really needed find out if he wanted to go on with this. I thought that telling him about my birthday would be ideal to see if he was still interested. So I told him and gave him my invite. He told me he had already had something in mind that he wanted to give to me. He promised me that he was going all ‘above and beyond’ and making a whole bunch of surprise plans for me. I continued to listen as he drove me back home. I kept the conversation pretty brief because I felt like I was losing him. I got home and realized that I left my scarf at his sister’s place. I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever get it back.

∞

                There I was in my white dress and red lipstick, surrounded by all my friends at my birthday party. Everyone except for the person who I would’ve expected to burst through the door, saying “Baby, I’m right here!” with an explosive smile. But my eyes saw no doors burst open, nobody to come in calling me “baby”. I would’ve been so happy, if the stars had aligned perfectly that day. The clock kept ticking, and I kept my eye on the door with some hope that maybe he would walk in. And people kept asking me about him, and how I’d been. Everything came back as I combed back through my memories, how he left me alone with the promises broken.

 

                It was like slow motion, everything was falling, shattering as I sat there all dressed up with nobody to impress. I felt like a crumpled up piece of paper thrown in the trash. I felt like everyone around me was mocking me, laughing at me as I had made up a hundred excuses for why he didn’t show. I was humiliated.

 

                His close friends kept following me down the hall, asking me if something was wrong. But I ran into the bathroom, attempting to save myself and tried my best not to fall apart. The sinking feeling started again, I was remembering how he told me that he wanted to be with me forever. I told his friends that he said he was supposed to come, trying holding back the tears that were half falling to the floor. And then later as the hours passed by, everyone surrounded me singing “happy birthday to you”. I felt incomplete because there was just one thing missing.

 

                He called me up again that night just to break me like a promise. He said he was sorry he ‘didn’t make it’ and that he ‘still loved’ me. He said it so casually cruel, as if it wasn’t meant to be hurtful at all. But that was the moment I knew that he had lost the one last thing he had ever known. It was I who knew breaking me like this was the equivalent of tearing up an absolute masterpiece.

 

                He said he needed to talk to me, when he called me the next morning. I met him at my neighbourhood park that day. We passed by the train tracks, and he handed me a long hand-written note from deep inside his pockets. And I took off my heart shaped locket that he gave to me, with a picture of his face inside. I handed it back to him. I didn’t know what to say, but I was reminded of when my grandmother would say to me “good girls should be hopeful, and if so, they should have the patience to wait for a long meaningful relationship”. I walked back on home trying to erase everything that burned in the back of my mind.

∞

                Time took its sweet moments erasing his image from my mind. It took a while to get rid of the dreams I would have of meeting him in warm conversations. We both would wake in lonely beds, and different cities. He probably had his list of demons who he never worked well with, and they probably all looked just like me. We had a sad, tragic, love affair but for the sake of our own lives we could not get back. It was too late for another try because the train had run off its tracks. Silence made us fall apart. He never gave back my scarf, and he probably still had it back in his drawer to remind him of my innocence because it smelled like me. I never answered his phone calls or his emails when they appeared occasionally, until finally he stopped. I moved out to a different city, and some our mutual friends told me he was getting married next summer to the love of his life. I watched his life in pictures just like I used to watch him sleep.

 

                We never talked again, nor did we ever dare to meet. I never opened the note he gave me until a few years later when I found it in a little box. I learned to find it was an apology letter Ben had written. It took me a while to remember where it was from, but I had a faint memory of that day. I opened it up and began to read. At the end of it was a quote that stuck to my mind as I read the following by the famous poet named Neruda:

 

Love is so short, forgetting is so long

 

                I think for me it wasn’t the fact that I wistfully lost something that meant so dearly to me that hurt more, it was the fact that I couldn’t find the lively hood of my life again. After so many attempts at trying to keep a stable relationship, I had failed, not just once, but many times. I didn’t know what would be of my future. Forgetting him was like pretending to know a person I’ve never met before, merely impossible. It was hard to let go when everything was so vivid and crystal clear. It took some time to realize the fascination of learning to let go. And I learned to do that, but what I didn’t believe that I could ever find ‘the one’. It was fate to blame for not wanting for that to happen because all love ever did for me was  it broke, burned, and ended. It was indeed earth shattering to make myself realized that.  In life we don’t always wish for the easy things, we reach for the ambitious things that are maybe out of reach. Sure, I never did have a love life or a family. But I learned to grace the fact that love was too much of a ruthless game for me, unless it could’ve been played good and right.

Swifties, I am about to release All Too Well - (The Extended Story)

Just bear with me for a few minutes, I am about to post it here on Tumblr and on Twitter. PS. It’s sad if I’m being honest. You guys might get really emotional and cry :(